Afather’s desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate him so that such a noteworthy pattern of DNA lives in future. The only exception is a bad habit/vice in a father, which is never wished by him to be in his son. For example a drug-addict never wants that his son should follow his footsteps. The father-son relationship can be a complex one in patches. Fathers and sons with widely different interests can find it hard, more often, to relate to one another. They may have different passions, age group and different hobbies. Do not forget both are males and nurse male egos. Some may follow a fathers’ profession or same family business. It is very much possible, a third generation businessman’s son may become a doctor or a doctors’ son may become an actor. Likes, dislikes and tastes do differ.

Father and a Tween: It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons. A recent research suggests that a father’s love and acceptance are at least as important as the love and acceptance of a mother. To deal with a Tween, roughly ages 8-14 years, a fathers’ best strategy is a strong relationship, clear limits, discipline, utmost care and lots of empathy.

A father is living for a dream to be fulfilled, to see his son highly successful, and a son- by dint of daily hard worksilently tells the dad that the dream is alive and the game is on;and that the dream will be a reality on the day of reckoning

  1. Father and a Teenager Son: Never forget that both are grown up. In this stage, more often, dads and sons feel competitive against each other. Sometimes their male tendencies to not communicate feelings are compounded, as both want a better father son relationship but both are inexperienced to go about it.

Whenever, I think about my own relationship with my son, the thought process forcefully make me to experience a sense of deja vu about my relationship with my own father; and visualize how , many fathers and sons interact with one another, over the years. Key points that go a long way to create and build a strong father-son relationship:

Those who love their children, must care enough to discipline them in their formative years, the game may be lost otherwise ; and you are a hapless and helpless parent, to see your budding flower lost in the quagmire of drugs, crime or violence.

Remember that a son is always influenced by his father:

A son always learns about being a man primarily by watching his father. A father’s influence on his son’s personality development is often unnoticed but it is deep and real. As a young man watches his father interact with his mother, he learns about respect (or disrespect); about how men and women interact and about how men should deal with conflict and difference of opinion. As he watches his dad interact with other men at large, he will learn how men talk, how they relate with one another and how they deal with manly issues. Understanding that a father’s influence on his son is unmatched will help daddy think more deeply about his relationship with his son and take that relationship more seriously and without fail.

Father- son must develop common interests: This is a lesson I learned from my own father. He played a lot with me via home sports and enjoyed time with me.He used to say no to his friends to be with me. But one thing we both came to love was reading and we found some real commonality in visiting the library, in the vicinity. He used to read various newspapers and discuss current news and politics and I used to read Film fare and Illustrated weekly of India by late Sr. Khushwant Singh Ji.

When we started to maximize our time together outdoors to watch field hockey, wrestling et al and spend time together doing something we both enjoyed. Needless to add that our relationship grew by leaps and bounds and strengthen like a welded joint .

 

Don’t be afraid of playing a little raucous: Teens and young adult [between 20 to 39 years] being young, love anything that is challenging, activeand may be hard and life threatening. As a father/parent you have to keep them safe, but you can take some very small and calculated risks to give them a more physical experience. Later in life, this may translate into watching activities like wrestling, skateboarding, kabbadi, ice hockey and field hockey.

Get involved in father-son activities: As a father normally, I found myself getting closest to my son as we enjoyed playing cricket and chess together. We still watch cricket together, though he is now young adult and a Physician in the making and eat outside together and just generally like being together.

 

Encourage a son to take on a big project: A boy, being a boy, loves taking a challenge and being involved in something bigger than him. My son took a carpentry subject in his school and later on he expressed a desire to do the lamination of the house. Though I thought, project is very big and nearly damn difficult to execute, yet I side with him. And the work started. This project really helped a father and son bond together. When his job was appreciated by a professional, he experienced pangs of ecstasy and was at cloud nine.Even a small project of cutting the grass dovetails further bonding of the relationship. Whatever it is, a bigger than life project done together can create a bond that will last a long time and make memories you will talk about together for decades.

Be a good listener to your son[s]. Generally men seem to struggle with effective communication in patches. A father should listen to the son about the issue and solution offered by him; then offers the suggestion[s] and deliberate and hammer out a fix. If a father listen to his son[s] in their earliest ages without judgment and without trying to fix things too soon will go a long way to build a lasting relationship. A fee flowing advise all the time, passing judgments and helicopter parenting is what the sons hate in common. Mind it.

 

Look for opportunities to be with your son[s]when you can be a good listener. Going to a sporting event, or taking a road trip can all be effective ways to create a listening environment. Experts say that spend only 25% of the time talking and spend the rest in an active listening mode.

Many dads speak 80% of the time and conflict happens repeatedly.

Don’t be afraid of the big talk. Develop a strategy and the right time to discuss with your sons about sex and relationships. Being open to having these conversations will help your sons to primarily developbetter attitudes about sex and girls in general. Good thing is, in our area sex education is provided at the school level. Bad thing is, with the ever-increasing presence of sex in the media, on the cell phone/computer and in conversations with their peers/friends, a father will find his relationship not as strong as it should be. A father should notlet his son develop his attitudes about sex and relationships from other sources who may not pursue hisfamily values.

Inculcate positivity in your son: Our children/sons daily experience negativity. Guide him to survive like a lotus in a quagmire of criticism/unmerited firing. By watching commercials on television a son may feel a sense of inadequacy in him as he may not be strong; may not have six pack abs or be not quite as good looking as the guys they see on television. A father need to catch them doing things right and communicate his timely approval and celebrate their accomplishments.

A constant reinforcement from father/ parents will help build relationship of trust and help the son to open the umbrella of patience so that the rain of negativity does not affect him and thereby handle barrage of negativism that they confront daily, in a productive way.

 

Spend time with your son: In case you are blessed with more than one son or one son, talk to the son[s] in camera i.e. one on one; in the light of the fact that as a father, you need to make time for individual relationships with each child. So make sure that you program some one on one time with your sons. It is possible that one of your sons likes acting and other one is a sportsman of repute. Some of the best memories, later on, will be the time spent together including the travel time.

Work on the spiritual feast: In case the family believes in Gods’ existence, helping a son to be grounded spiritually is an important role for a father. Whatever your faith tradition, help your son understand the deeper meaning of life. If you don’t have a faith tradition, help him reach for his inner self and try to have a perspective that will help him look at things deeper than on the surface. As a young man gets in tune with nature, God and himself, he will have a pattern in his life that will help him endure hardship and thrive personally. Fathers can have these conversations with their sons in a natural way as they share thoughts and feelings about life, manhood and spiritual things.

Strained -Father Son Relationship: There can always be a struggle between a father and son, while one aims at power and the other at independence; A father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects him. Good fathers make good sons. Nowadays sons are very conscious of their rights but are deficient in their duties towards their parents though exceptions are there. Social media is proving a great villain for all relationships. Sons having a lack of relationship with their fathersmay often affect their careers or relationships . The unexpressed hurt and anger often transfer onto our love relationships, parenting, challenges at work, and problems with authority. That means it has a cascading effect.In some cases sons have unpleasant memories of abuse at the hands of their father under the garb of discipline.

Conclusion

For a father a child is never grown up. That’s why he keeps on guiding/advising a son at micro and macro level and a son, on occasions, get irritated on that. It’s a good thing when a father and son can share the same experience.For example, to go together on a long drive, on vacation, watching movies, sports and take a project. Definitely, it results in better bonding. Every father does not get a chance to start his son off in his own footsteps. My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and showed me the way, a proven path indeed. Always remember a son has his own destiny.

A positive work by parent can definitely help, but his stars will play the primerole. Hands that help a son to walk the first steps of life, when get wrinkled -as age is the biggest enemy of good health- see towards a son as a helper of the last resort.If a son does not take care of his aging father/ parents in the last phase of their life, then a father really feels bankrupt in a relationship that was distinguished and most close to the heart. Unfortunate those, like me, who do not have a father now, ask them what the value of a father in life isand how badly they miss it. Those who have a reverend father must respect him as this gift of God is not forever.

 

 

 

 

 

Prof. Surinder
Shaun Kochhar
LPN, FCN, M.Com, CAIIB, DIM
(A freelance writer with
36 Years Exp.